|May 2nd, 2009|
Wow. That was really bad.
I just got back from watching X-Men Origins: Wolverine
and I feel absolutely compelled to warn others from wasting their money
on a cinematic travesty. What's particularly remarkable about this
disastrous failure is that the first half of the film is actually quite
good. It's not a cinematic triumph by any stretch of the imagination,
but it's a solid, entertaining popcorn film.
But then, a little over halfway through the
movie, a switch is flipped. Something incredibly stupid happens, and
from that point forward the entire film becomes
nearly unwatchable: The plot, the characters, and even the editing all
become insultingly idiotic.
It's as if the two halves of the film were
made by completely different creative teams.
You probably won't believe me. I'd certainly
seen people giving the thumbs-down to this movie in various places
around the 'net before deciding to go and see it anyway. But consider
this: I actually left the theater thinking X-Men 3
wasn't a complete disaster. (It was a huge disappointment and
completely wasted the opportunity created by the first two films. But
it was passable.)
And I'm telling you that X-Men Origins: Wolverine
is an unwatchable travesty.
From this point forward we'll have SPOILERS
so that I can rant a bit.
(1) First, allow me to reiterate that I
thought the first half of the film was actually quite good for a
popcorn action flick. The opening sequence with the young brothers; the
montage sequence over the opening credits; and Hugh Jackman's
performance through the next section all made the film very
(2) First Warning Sign: The scene where
Logan is getting injected with the adamantine skeleton.
Stryker: "By the way, here are your
dog-tags. Because even though
you're completely naked, laying in a tub of water, and about to be
injected with molten metal, I think you should be wearing these."
Logan: "I want new ones."
Stryker: "What do you want them to
Stryker: "Really? Okay. Well, damn.
Okay, everybody hold on. Logan, you just stay laying right there.
Everybody else just hang out. I'm going to go have completely new
(3) Second Warning Sign: Agent Zero has just
been killed trying to kill Wolverine.
Nameless Dude: "Agent Zero had no
chance. You would need a gun with adamantine bullets. Like this one
right here. That we have had all along. And could have easily given
Stryker: "Wasn't Agent Zero's mutant
power his ability to shoot guns really, really well?"
Nameless Dude: "Don't forget his
ability to leap around like a jackrabbit."
Stryker: "Right. I see we're theming
these mutant powers well. But since he could shoot really well,
wouldn't it have made more sense to give him this gun?"
Nameless Dude: "... dude. You could
have said something like an hour ago."
(4) The Stupid of No Return: The first time
Gambit attacked Wolverine, it made perfect sense. The second time
Gambit attacked Wolverine? That was stupid. Really, really, really
(For those who haven't seen the film: Gambit
hates Sabretooth and wants him dead. He sees Wolverine with his blades
to Sabretooth's throat and hears him say, "I'm going to kill you." So
what does Gambit do? He attacks Wolverine and stops him from killing
Sabretooth. Thirty seconds later after Sabretooth has escaped? Gambit
is asking Wolverine to help him kill Sabretooth.)
(5) The Rest of the Stupid: I'd try to list
it, but there's really no point. After the Stupid of No Return,
virtually every single second of the movie is stupid. So I'll just
highlight one particularly egregrious bit of stupid.
(5) Professor X is a Dick:
Remember in the first X-Men
movie when Professor X knows nothing
about Wolverine? Turns out, he's a dick. Not only is he telepathically
monitoring the entire finale of the movie (and thus probably knows
exactly who Wolverine is), but even if he somehow missed Wolverine's
presence telepathically it turns out this first twenty students
(including Cyclops!) were all rescued by Wolverine himself!
The fact that the Cyclops himself doesn't
recognize Wolverine makes sense (because they're actually quite careful
about making sure he's blind and never even hears Wolverine speak). But
Professor X? He's a dick.
Unless they get Bryan Singer back, this is
probably the last X-Men movie they'll be conning me into seeing for